On Riding the Bus

SG: Everybody on the bus smells. This one woman had this perfume on, and it smelled like asshole, and I was choking on it. Why don't people know when they smell like asshole?

On Smart Phones

Roommate: I want a smart phone, so I can surf the internet.
SG: What's a smart phone?
Roommate: Like a BlackBerry. You have one, right?
SG: Ya, but what makes a BlackBerry smart? It's a berry.
Roommate: Um.

On Supervisors

SG: I've only had Asian supervisors before, so this one's like, different. Because she's from Russia.

On Accounting Vs. Tax

SG on the phone with a co-worker: Wait, there are hot people in your accounting class? I guess it's like only 50% of Accounting and only 10% of Tax people are hot. 

On Religion

SG Facebook profile Religious Views: Conservative.

On Her Fist Day Of Work 3

SG to Mom: There are so many hot guys in my office. Well, OK, like 3 hot guys. But still. They're accountants, which is more than I thought.

On Her First Day Of Work 2

SG to Mom: I hate it when you call me when you're eating! I can't understand what you're saying! (Puts a bite of spaghetti in her own mouth).  What were you saying?

On Her First Day Of Work

SG to Mom: My mentor is SO HOT. She's like, Russian, and has these big boobs, and a bangin' bod. She also dressed a little scandalous, but, like whatever, she's so cute.

A Parable

Former SG: I got drunk and tried to do gymnastics in my front yard last night fell on my neck. It was my best friends bachelorette party and my parents forgot I don't have a house key and so I decided it would be fun while I was locked out to just dick around and do stupid shit. Talk about a stupid sorority girl!

On Cupcakes

SG: I wish Food Network didn't have a show about cupcakes. I just want to go into the TV and eat them all!

On Hangovers

SG at 12:30 pm on the phone: The hangover just, like, hit me. I dunno, this guy bought me this sugar drink, and then, ya. Ugh. Why do I keep getting drinks from strangers?

On a Friend Hooking Up with Your Younger Brother

SG 1 to SG 2: It's not like she gave him head.

On Money

SG 1 to SG 2: When we go out, money is no object tonight.

On Purfume

SG 1 to SG 2: Oh no! I forgot to bring my perfume! When you go home you need to bring me all my shit.

On Drinking

SG: Why am I drunk? Why aren't you drunk?
Me: You have been drinking. I haven't been drinking.
SG: Oh.

On Decisions

SG 1: Your gift to me tonight is to get wasted, and make one bad decision.
SG 2: But what if I make more than one bad decision?

On Tops and Not Tops

SG 1 to SG 2: No, I don't know where your bra is... Oh My God. What CUTE a top!

On Cookies

SG 1 to Me: I made you some cookies, but I ate all the good ones. 
Me: Um. Thanks?

On Britney Spears

SG 1 to SG 2: So I was like, "No I'm not Britney Spears just because I have blond hair. God."

On Guys She Texts

SG: So you know, he's one of those guys you text just to keep around, even though you don't like him, because, you know, he's ok, but you know, just because it's fun.

On Vodka

SG: I'm accidentally drinking too much vodka, because you know, it tastes like vodka.

On Quality Gents

Sorority Girl 1: So where should we go out?

Sorority Girl 2: I dunno, let me ask my roommate.

(I am in hearing distance of this conversation.  They are standing outside of my room.)

SG 2: Hey B? where should we go out?

Me: I dunno, what kind of bar are you looking for?

SG 2: He says what kind of bar are we looking for?

SG 1: I dunno, a place with sexy business men, that's fun, but not too much dancing, and no skeezy people.

Me: Um... let me get back to you on that.

SG 2: OK!

Welcome

I know that a lot of these exist, but, due to my inability to keep a straight face during these overheard conversations from one day of living with this person, I felt I must share with the world. Enjoy.